That's What He Said
by Insanity under the moonlight
Summary: Tetsuya isn't sure why he thought it was a good idea to invite Shige to a casual game of basketball with the GoM. Surprisingly, it's off the court where things get painful. He should have thought real long and hard before he opened his mouth. (Innuendos and dirty jokes ahead. I think this is just shy of a crack fic)


(Let's pretend I don't have other stories I should be working on)

I just cranked this out real quick this morning so it's may have some mistakes but I just wanted to post something fun. I was laughing while typing this so even if you don't like it, I had a great time.

* * *

He's doing it on purpose.

Shige is a lot of things, and a traitorous bastard is definitely one of them.

"-and do you know what he does next?" He's grinning, gesturing animatedly and completely enrapturing his audience. Even Akashi is listening with a smile as they sit down at the side of the street court, void of any other occupants but the rest of the Miracles as they break for halftime.

"No, what?" God, he wants to gouge out Aomine's eyes. The way he keeps glancing at him with a wide grin on his face, clearly enjoying every second of his humiliation is just awful.

"He put it back!" Shige barely manages to finish before breaking down into hysterics, putting a hand to his face in a vain attempt to control himself.

Momoi is scandalized, turning to him with a new light in her eyes. " _Tetsu-kun!"_

"Oh my god! Kurokocchi was wild!" Kise has literal tears in his eyes, face reddened beyond the point of being attractive and Tetsuya is fairly tempted to take a photo and post it online.

Even Akashi and Murasakibara are laughing at his expense. Far more contained than Aomine or Shige, but it's still awful. All of this is just awful. He never should have made them get along, he should have insisted that the damage was far too great and let things stay awkward. At least Midorima has the decency to pretend he's drinking from his water bottle. The level of liquid was hardly decreasing though, and the slight dribble of water running down his neck proved he's definitely having some trouble actually getting anything down, but his farce is a mercy compared to everyone else.

Shige is still gasping for air as he starts speaking again, and Tetsuya really hopes he chokes on his next breath. "Tetsuya was such a little- Oh! Oh! I got another one!" He's incensed all over again, arms flailing in his excitement to further drag his best friend's name in the mud. His life is one long example of ' _who needs enemies when you have friends like these.'_

His old teammates, like the savage pack of wolves they are, frenzy at the scent of fresh blood and demand to hear the next story. He doesn't like the gleam in Shige's eyes, like he's sizing up what piece of Tetsuya's dignity to cut out and serve next. "Remember that time we went to Shizune-chan's house?"

No.

This is where he draws the line.

"Don't you dare Shige-kun." He hopes the visible frown on his face is enough to deter him, but he must be able to see the fear in his eyes as well because Shige isn't deterred in the slightest.

"Oh, so you want me to tell the river story?"

It's not like he doesn't have dirt on Shige either. There's the time he picked up rabbit poop because someone convinced him it was chocolate. There was the time he gushed about his crush, not knowing they were well within earshot. There was the time his pants fell in the middle of the playground, tugging down his underwear with them. He definitely has stories of equal mortification to tell about Shige, but the audience renders the scale useless when they definitely want to hear embarrassing things about him. Maybe after a couple more meetings they'll be on even footing, but right now Shige knows he has the upper hand and is milking it for all its worth. He hates it, but Tetsuya has to concede it's his victory.

He wilts, hunching into himself in defeat. "You suck."

"And you swallow."

It's a kneejerk reaction.

"Bet your dad told you all about it."

Instant regret.

It's one of those moments you wish you could travel back in time, and slit your own throat. He _did not_ mean to say that, it was just far too easy to fall back into old patterns and he may act a little crasser with Shige.

Midorima sprays his drink all over Kise's face but the blond was hardly bothered as he gaped at the phantom man. For a moment, everyone is looking at him with wide eyes. Of course, Shige is the one to start the avalanche of laughter. If he thought they were in hysterics earlier, he obviously didn't know the meaning of the word until now. Kise is clutching his sides now as if he's going to burst at the seams and Momoi has transcended from giggling to these guinea pig like squeaks. Murasakibara's clearly crushed the bag of cracker snacks that he's been clutching in his hand as he laughs just as openly as everyone else. Even Akashi's cheeks are rosy from the exertion as he appraises him with new eyes, Shige and Aomine's booming cackles impossible to ignore on top of it all.

He is well aware that he's blushing a bright red that puts Akashi's hair to shame. "I…I didn't mean for that to come out of my mouth."

"You sure meant for him to cum _in_ it." He's definitely going to punch Aomine.

Dear lord.

Midorima is clearly his only true friend. He's laughing as well, but he's snorting in his effort to keep quiet. Tetsuya can appreciate the attempt. Midorima will survive.

Yes, not even Akashi will have the privilege of mercy.

"Oh god Tetsuya! Couldn't have done it better myself!" Shige is positively glowing, and he has the audacity to pat him on the back after all this.

"Not that that means much." Bitter? Who's bitter? Never met them in his life.

Aomine cringes in faux sympathy, dabbing away the moisture around his eyes with mirth still shaking his frame. "Ouch Tetsu, where's all this coming from?"

"The same place as your endless stupidity. That is to say, it's been here all along." It may have been a little unwarranted, but he's pretty sure he's allowed to fire some shots after being the target of a group roast session for the last fifteen minutes.

"Oi!"

"Geez Tetsuya, who jizzed in your cereal? Oh wait, my dad apparently."

"You're all dead to me, even Momoi-san. Midorima-kun is my new favourite."

"Eh? I'm sorry Tetsu-kun!"

"Kurokocchi why!?"

"Wait, who was your old favourite?"

"Kagami-kun."

"What? He's not even part of this group!"

"And doesn't that show just how low you all rank."

* * *

For the rest of the day, they proceed to make _'That's what Kuroko said'_ jokes and everyone but Momoi and Midorima take a basketball to the face and/or gut during the last half of the game.


End file.
